I sat down today planning to write another blog post about parenting. But something else kept coming up — something I’ve been reading about and experiencing a lot lately – stress.
We all experience stress at some times in our lives – indeed many of us would say we face stress on a daily basis, perhaps parents more than anyone else! But what I’ve been reflecting on is how differently we each experience stress, and how our reactions are shaped not just by what happens to us, but by what’s already going on inside and the circumstances we are in at the time.
Right now, I’m reading Unstressable: A Practical Guide to Stress-Free Living by Mo Gawdat. I haven’t read far enough to know how to live stress-free, but I am enjoying understanding more about what is going on in our minds and bodies when were are experiencing stress. What I find most fascinating is Gawdat’s explanation that whilst each of us may encounter the same external strains or pressures, the stress we experience from these will be dependent on how we internally respond — based on things like resilience, past experience, and coping strategies.
When viewed through this lens, my reaction to a couple of recent events makes a lot of sense to me. Last week I purchased a car online. When it was delivered, it turned out to have a concerning rattle. My stress response to this has been off the chart, and that surprised me, because I am normally pretty unflappable. I am quite resilient, adaptable, and I have developed coping strategies that normally assist me with everyday pressures (yoga, running, time at the beach, or anything in or on the sea are my go to de-stressors). So why has stress taken hold in this instance?
Here’s what I realised:
- Firstly, this is a completely new scenario – I have never had an issue with a car purchase before, and I feel out of my depth, both in establishing whether it is a serious issue (I think it is) and dealing with the returns process (which sounded easy in the money back guarantee, but is proving, well, stressful!)
- Secondly, my stress bandwidth is already full. Work is manic, I am helping my eldest through their exams, and my husband has just had a leg amputation.
Yes, you read that right. And yes, people’s first reaction is usually: “That must be incredibly stressful!” But oddly, it hasn’t been — not in the way the car has been. Because we’ve come a long way to get here: a traumatic leg injury years ago, multiple surgeries, and now, finally, a choice which should actually lead to significant improvements in mobility and pain. We were emotionally prepared. We had context. We had coping mechanisms in place.
That’s the thing about stress: it’s not just about the event. It’s about how prepared and supported we feel when it hits.
Understanding how stress works — that it’s shaped by our internal world — gives us power. We may not be able to stop life’s challenges from arriving but we need not be at their mercy in terms of our stress response. We can:
- Build resilience
- Develop coping strategies
- Create support systems
- Model healthy responses for our children
At the outset I thought I wasn’t writing for parents this week, but I realise now that I have. As parents we need to look after ourselves in order to look after our children, and striving for a stress-free life seems a pretty good place to start.
* Gawdat, M., & Law, A. (2024). Unstressable: A practical guide to stress-free living. Pan Macmillan