In a recent conversation with my daughter, I suggested she manage a situation at school using the age-old “fake it till you make it”. Almost immediately I wondered whether this was uncomfortably close to encouraging masking (NB she isn’t autistic, and I wouldn’t have used that phrase if she were).

If you haven’t heard of autistic masking, it describes something many autistic young people — especially girls — do to get through the school day. They copy the behaviour of those around them, hide their discomfort, and push down their true feelings or needs. When they get home to their safe place, the mask can come off — but by then they’re often completely drained. Over time, this constant effort can contribute to burnout and other mental health struggles.

Since that conversation, I’ve been thinking about the difference between “faking it” and masking, and I do think there is one.

Faking it involves adding a layer of confidence, expanding your personality to step into a role or situation that you want to succeed in. It is a temporary, deliberate tactic to help you cope with something that feels daunting at first.

Masking, on the other hand, is a reduction or reshaping of personality. It is often subconscious and it doesn’t just last for the first steps, it is maintained throughout the day. Masking is a defence – faking it is offence. Faking it is embodying something you want to be until you believe you really can – masking is pretending to be someone you do not want to be, or do not even understand.

So, I believe we are OK to encourage our children to be brave, to take a deep breath, to try something new even when it feels uncomfortable. But it’s just as important to stay alert to the signs of masking, and to help them feel safe enough to be their real selves, whatever that looks like.